broken

im one of those ppl who are good at pretending.

hiding.

being a ghost.

in the sense that, i never truly let people knows what inside of me.

or to be precise, i never, almost never let people know

..when im in pain.

as the years go by, im gettin good at camouflaging.

too good im afraid.

way too good that, at a hint of pain, i turn my back.

i always do.

i feigned ignorance.

pretend like i dont give a shit.

when in fact, my heart bleeds a river.

and people thought, i was charming.

funny.

witty with wicked sense of humour.

ppl thought im the one who laughs at everything.

i do laugh. a lot.

but when the laughter fades, 

something in me dies too.

im utterly lost.

i only have tomorrow to look forward to.

but what i really want, is to dwell on the past.

i want to cling on the past so much so..

it hurts.

i want to cling to the past because i want to undo all the mistakes that i have done.

i want to undo all the hurts, all the things that i wish i never do.

i wanted a clean break.

a clean slate.

i want a fresh start.

i want to look forward to tomorrow,

but the past is slowly catching up.

im tired of being alone.

no. its not love that i crave.

its weird, but i dont think i am capable of love anymore.

incapable of loving someone...

and incapable of loving back in return.

i feel so cold.

so cold and hard.

i wonder where the girl i used to be.

i used to think that love conquers all.

i used to think that love is sacred.

none of this mattered anymore.

now that i have said it out loud,

it broke my heart to acknowledge the fact that,

to admit this to myself,

i am broken.