broken

>> Isnin, September 06, 2010

im one of those ppl who are good at pretending.

hiding.
being a ghost.
in the sense that, i never truly let people knows what inside of me.
or to be precise, i never, almost never let people know
..when im in pain.

as the years go by, im gettin good at camouflaging.
too good im afraid.
way too good that, at a hint of pain, i turn my back.
i always do.
i feigned ignorance.
pretend like i dont give a shit.
when in fact, my heart bleeds a river.

and people thought, i was charming.
funny.
witty with wicked sense of humour.
ppl thought im the one who laughs at everything.
i do laugh. a lot.
but when the laughter fades, 
something in me dies too.
im utterly lost.
i only have tomorrow to look forward to.
but what i really want, is to dwell on the past.
i want to cling on the past so much so..
it hurts.
i want to cling to the past because i want to undo all the mistakes that i have done.
i want to undo all the hurts, all the things that i wish i never do.
i wanted a clean break.
a clean slate.

i want a fresh start.
i want to look forward to tomorrow,
but the past is slowly catching up.

im tired of being alone.
no. its not love that i crave.
its weird, but i dont think i am capable of love anymore.
incapable of loving someone...
and incapable of loving back in return.

i feel so cold.

so cold and hard.
i wonder where the girl i used to be.
i used to think that love conquers all.
i used to think that love is sacred.

none of this mattered anymore.
now that i have said it out loud,
it broke my heart to acknowledge the fact that,
to admit this to myself,

i am broken.



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