blog vs facebook

i used to think that i might be one of those people who can get past this millenia without having to ever associate myself with Facebook. totally wrong. try again. hehe...

nah, i spent whatever left of my free time mainly in facebook. one, because its easy. all i have to do, is look at my phone, and taadaaaaa, all is there. two, there are always funny people with funny things to say, and some times, i get to be funny too. ha!

me on the facebook, is so different with me on the blog. hypocrite much? no? yes? nah, not really.  on the facebook, its me being me on crack. seriously. thats why, i seldom add bloggers i know, as a friend on my facebook. seldom is overstating it. i only add two bloggers i know in my FB, and the turned down many other requests, including Aduka's. funny enough, its like me having two secret, distinctively separate life. which soon, cease to exist. ha!

and yes, the fact that i am talking about my facebook here in my blog, instead of talking about my blog in my facebook, says it all. which is the real me? me here, or me over there?

*ponders for a while*

its been bugging me, really. why cant i be open and honest, like i do now in my blog, to the rest of my friends and families on the facebook. instead, i get to be the happy me over there. happy me on crack, i must say. ha ha ha.

yes, talking about heartaches in front of all the people in this world, so not gonna happen anytime soon. ha!


*pause*

crap. i got caught up in liking quotes in FB. ha ha!
so, i lost my train of thoughts.
continue..... tomorrow? no?
i dont make promises i couldnt keep...
:p

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broken

im one of those ppl who are good at pretending.

hiding.

being a ghost.

in the sense that, i never truly let people knows what inside of me.

or to be precise, i never, almost never let people know

..when im in pain.

as the years go by, im gettin good at camouflaging.

too good im afraid.

way too good that, at a hint of pain, i turn my back.

i always do.

i feigned ignorance.

pretend like i dont give a shit.

when in fact, my heart bleeds a river.

and people thought, i was charming.

funny.

witty with wicked sense of humour.

ppl thought im the one who laughs at everything.

i do laugh. a lot.

but when the laughter fades, 

something in me dies too.

im utterly lost.

i only have tomorrow to look forward to.

but what i really want, is to dwell on the past.

i want to cling on the past so much so..

it hurts.

i want to cling to the past because i want to undo all the mistakes that i have done.

i want to undo all the hurts, all the things that i wish i never do.

i wanted a clean break.

a clean slate.

i want a fresh start.

i want to look forward to tomorrow,

but the past is slowly catching up.

im tired of being alone.

no. its not love that i crave.

its weird, but i dont think i am capable of love anymore.

incapable of loving someone...

and incapable of loving back in return.

i feel so cold.

so cold and hard.

i wonder where the girl i used to be.

i used to think that love conquers all.

i used to think that love is sacred.

none of this mattered anymore.

now that i have said it out loud,

it broke my heart to acknowledge the fact that,

to admit this to myself,

i am broken.

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third attempt

this is my feeble third attempt.

i'm thinking about you...
and trying hard..
not to miss you.

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second attempt

ok, this is now my second attempt.
i had these stream of conciousness just begging for me to think it all over.
for quite some time, there is this one thing that bugs me the most.

i.am.wild.

and not in a good way.
although i tried hard to make myself go soft..
i ended up being unpredictably wild.
and rude.
but like usual, i chalked it up to me being...
cool.

which sucks.
cause being cool, is seriously over-rated.

for a second attempt, i suck big time. lol.

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first attempt.

this is my first attempt to write.
tho i dont think its gonna work.
its just that my heart isn't into it.
i'll do the second attempt soon.
thanks for being here.
but then again, why are you even here?
:p

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ryyan unplugged.

2 months old ryyan laughing out loud with his daddy.
long live the superior gene! muahahahaha

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drawn together.. and not pulling away

catchy, yeah?
twas a tagline from the season finale of TVD.
drawn together.. and not pulling away.
have no idea why this line made me think.
and no, im not drawn to anything or anyone.

this week has been a total blast.
meaning, i keep making money. haha.
anyway, i was rearranging my future.
meaning, planning on what the hell am i gonna do with the rest of my life
which, is a loooooong way to go. assuming i didnt get hit by a truck.
so i've decided.
but im not gonna share it just yet.
haha.

anyway, tonight at 8pm in the USA, the season finale for TVD will be aired.
means i have to wait till tomorrow night before i'll be able to download it.
by then everybody else in this world would know what already happened.
and i will have more restraint so that i wont peek at the synopsis etc.

ok, myself is getting boring.
but, this is all i've got at the moment.
so, later.

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say all i need

woke up early.
as usual i guess.
took a long walk to stretch my legs.
while walking, this song kept echoing in my head..

"Do you know where your heart is?

Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?


Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted


Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold...."

enjoy.

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so, here it goes..

im not sure whether im having premonition, deja vu or maybe im a clairvoyant?
laughs out loud.
anyway, i have one of those loooooong day.
but, im loving it.
i never wanted to be an agent of any type of brands or products or whatnots.
capitalism. remember?
laughs.
but, heres the thing.
i signed up to be an agent of HR products.
only because, after thorough observation using my mom as the chck points, im declaring that the products actually worked as claimed.
so kudos to HR.
so im officially selling all those goat products and such.
and heres another thing.
in two weeks im buying myself some goats.
on cue, people, laugh out loud. haha
so anyway, this is only a pet project. im fascinated by goats at the moment.
weird, definitely weird.
do you know that goat's milk is the second best milk after breast's milk?
i never knew this before.
so, i thought come next school holiday, im gonna hop down into the department of veterinary, yup, jabatan haiwan, to see what kind of goat that is worth to be bought.
nah, im not looking into a massive production of goats. just gonna buy 1 male and two females and breed them.
oh no, theres no way in hell im gonna touch them. goat are gross. ewww. im gonna send them right away to my grandfather at his kampung and ask him to take care of the goats since he got nothing else to do. heh.
so anyway, maybe if they breed, i'd be a breeder one day. haha.
this is all becauuse i have no desire to stick my neck and live a life in a city so im going all backwards.

last but not least.
i know im gonna regret this.
im gonna regret this soon after i hit the PUBLIST POTS button.
but what the hell.
once is too many times already.
but err..
i kinda miss you.

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crazee iz what crazee doezzzzz..

okay im in a good mood.
full stomach.
good day.
and its friday!!
and its the day when i can download the latest episode of TVD. woohoo...
im downloading it as i speak, so to speak, but i cant wait for it to finish in another hour and a half. im crazeeeee about TVD. and im about to shit in my pants, so to speak, coz the tweets from the cast and the writers make the waiting such an unbearable pain in the ass.

cant wait to see damon aka ian somerhalder. cant wait to see alaric as well, the hot, lushy butt of a historian. hihi. owh, cant wait to see stefan brooding again. stefan should just kill himself so damon can be with elena. haha. i wrote about this already, didnt i?

so dude and dudettes, if u are as crazee as i am, lets watch TVD. next week is the season finale. season 2 TVD starts in september. but i dont mind. in june, True Blood is coming back for their 3rd season. woohooo. cant wait to see what happen to Bill after he proposed to Sookie. well, some asshole kidnapped Bill when Sookie went to the toilet. what a bummer. and also in june, we get an extra dose of edward cullen. again. i hope this eclipse is better than new moon.

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brunch, anyone?

so, its one o'clock in the afternoon.
lo and behold, im still firing up on all gears.
so i decided i should just go out take a walk n get me some food.
maybe, if i eat and stuff myself, i'd finally go to sleep.
and that reminds me, i didnt eat anything since...
..friday! yep, last meal was on friday. check.
so here it is, the perfect singleton's sunday brunch.
sayur kacang and daging masak merah complete with chocolate ice with extra cream.
i'm gonna stuff myself.
coming right up!

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this is bad.

real bad..
its a minute to ten in the morning.
but i havent shown any sign of fatigue.
not even a tiny inclination to suggest that i might fall asleep any minutes from now.
all i kept thinking was..
i wanted to drink more.
sigh...
i am so gonna regret this when my eyes go all fluffy tomorrow.

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so, here's the thing.

it's eight in the morning.
and my body is so revved up.
my eyes are wide awake.
i felt so... alive.

i will regret this state of conciousness over some time tomorrow when i have to stay on my feet for 16 hours. shouldnt have drank all those coffee. what a bummer.

but here's the thing that somehow cheer up my day and night.
you know how hooked up i am now with TVD.
duhh~~ TVD? The Vampire Diaries. haha. gotcha!

so i was awake all night long.
with nothing to do.
except staring at my screen. no, i lied. i watched True Blood. again.
aside of that, i keep on checking my twitter page.
i was actually checking up on iansomerhalder.
ian was one of those people who is using twitter to update ppl about something other than himself.
 which is a rare quality in a breather since he IS a striving star with millions of fans worldwide.
the way he kept twittering about asking ppl to check on those CNN reports on the oil spillage near Mexican Gulf is so heartbreaking.
and he literally begged ppl to go to this animal center in Atlanta to adopt a pet, WHICH by the way, got no respons at all! he ACTUALLY went there himself but no one showed up.
i guess he had scores of fans, but no one is bothered to care about adopting a pet.
i think thats awfully nice of him to actually care.
he even took a short video documenting his visit to the center.
sweeeeettt...

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aches

its seven in the morning.
havent slept a second since last night.
drank too much caffeine. i had six long shots bottoms up too many. or was it seven?eight?
i.. dont know.. why i drank that much.
its just that..
i dont wanna sleep.
i couldnt take my mind of things.
of you.
no. i lied.
i stayed awake.
so that i can keep on thinking.
feeling.
sensing.
knowing.
waiting.
hurting.
missing...

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sparkplug

yesterday..

i was being my usual self on weekend.yeap. the lazy me. i hate cooking if im the only one whose gonna eat so i settle for a simple nasi campur take away. as usual, i have this one cafe that i frequented every weekend. so yesterday, it was packed. u see, im the kind of person who are crowdaphobic. wahahahaha. i made that word up. i hate crowds but i was so hungry i decided i'll just barge in. so, there was this well dressed fella who serves me. i was a bit perplexed because he was too nicely dressed to be just a waitress? but, who cares. as long as i got my nasi campur.

"cik nak nasi?"
"ha ah."
"makan sini or take away?" wooo. slalu orang cakap makan sini ke bungkus.
"tapau."
"nak nasi banyak ke sikit?" seriously, what kind of question is that? if i said banyak, i will look like crap, if i said sikit, i will look like someone who control-control.
"banyak." damn. the guy actually smirk. SMIRK not smile. i gave him my non-chalant, no expression, blank face with no sign that i saw his SMIRK.
"cik nak lauk ape?" i pointed at what looks like kari ayam n sayur kacang buncis.
"makan kambing yer?"
"owh. ingatkan ayam. x pe, bg saya ayam masak kicap jer la."
"minum?"
"air mineral je. botol besar. tq." wahahahaha. i am so lazy i didnt even bother to boil water.
"semuanya rm5.50" another smirk. fuh.. what a weird guy.

today...

 i was sweeping the floor when suddenly, a  kid run towards me.
"akak! akak! pakcik saya suruh bagi ni.." cool.. another paper with a handphone no written nicely.
"sapa pakcik kamu ni?"
"pakcik suruh akak telepon dulu."
"aik? alah bg tahu la. akak kasik 50sen." wahahahahahaa..
"pakcik sy yang jual nasi campur dgn akak." damn..
"camana plak dia tahu akak niaga sini?"
"saya la bg tahu.. hahaahaha.. akak, sy nak 50 sen.."

as usual, i took the paper.
and as usual too, i lost it.
and yeah, i have to switch cafe from this weekend onwards.
what a bummer. i like that cafe because it was easy to find parking spot.

and, if i were to entertain every single paper with a handphone no written on it, i'd probably have two or three kids by now. i dont know why i didnt take the chance. or maybe, it was fate preventing me from doing exactly that. heh. easy peasy. blame it on Fate. haha.

eh. and why is this entry titled sparkplug? i was reminiscing something my dear friend said to me last night. it goes something like this..

she: boring giler single nih. yg asik ngorat aku seme laki orang. diorang saja nak menggatal ngan aku sbb bini diorang kat kl.
me: hahaha. very funny mik.. jgn layan jantan miang. carik penyakit namanya tu.
she: hahahah.. aku tak kesah jadik bini no 2.. janji diorang ada duit..
me: kalau mcm tu, make sure ko jadik bini no 2 or no 3. janji ko la bini muda forever. hahaha...
she: tuh la.. weyyy ko lak camner. takde org ngorat ke...
me: bese2 la. maleh nak layan.
she: apa kes yg cikgu tu...
me: blablablablablablablabla... takde spark.. aku pon tatau kenapa. takde feeling ler beb. maybe aku ni mental. hahahaha
she: kalau takde spark, ko tukar sparkplug je. hahahaha..

it was funny while it last. and the truth is, it wasn't so funny now. i mean, if u wanna 'start' a 'relationship', it should be something that 'entice' you. not something that we picked out randomly. not something that we pick because we are bored. not something that we start because we are scared that we are gonna be left behind. i mean, im in my LATE twenties. but STRANGE, i didnt feel like it. haha.

i'd probably WILL regret this but heck, im gonna write it anyway. when i said SPARK, i really mean it. it was hard to get to know someone if you dont feel that SPARK of attraction. nah, u might think im CHOOSY (is that a word?) but no, it wasnt about being too cerewet. nah. its like, u know someone for a minute, an hour, a day and BAM!! u feel that connection. as if there was just something about them that keeps you wanting to know more. and even after you learn everything about them, you'd still see the spark. its like being on the opposite side of the world but having something in common. and the best SPARK is when both of you feel the same way.. wooo... cheesy. hehe..

and of course, for some known or unknown reason, we have to come back to the reality of it all. Not All Spark Produce Flame. what a bummer. sometimes, lack of oxygen could caused the flame to burn out. haha..

but seriously guys, im all for the spark thingy.
oh heck. why the hell am i thinking about you?

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facebook? anyone?

due to some sense on insecurity, i decided not to publish my facebook. haha.
but i'll publish the snapshot of my new info.

yeap. that would summarize the kind of person i am. haha.

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my new obsession

i figured, since im writing craps, i might as well throw more craps while i still have some time to kill.

for the past few months, im kinda obsessed with all this vampires stuff. muahaha.
laugh all you want. dissin' me wont do you or me any good. as i grow older, i find myself to be desensitize. im more mean now. haha. yeappp. instead of becoming like a lady that im supposed to, im becoming someone else. i've nurtured the mean-me to the level that im so comfortable being mean. and rude. huahuahua.

im more...
sharp tounge (read: my words hurt people lately.)
rough.
heartless.

wooo. whats happening to me?
anyhow, thats for later.

my new obsession would be all things related to vampires. haha. of course, tv shows. you see, i dont have the luxury to befriend people, most of my friends are either married or so far away tending to their own single minded singletons. yeapp. this singletons crap would fit another entry.

like i said before i got sidetracked, im loving all these vampires stuff to the extent that im opening a twitter account so that i can keep track on whats happening with the cast. woohoo. if thats not obsession, than please do tell me what was that because i cant wait for the next episode of vampire diaries. lucky me because come next monday, times flew so fast its soon be thursday where the new episode will air on CW network. dont bother flipping your channel, CW is not on Astro. haha.

anyhow, things i love about this show that its got plots that aint static, every episodes keeps you wanting for more. haha. cliche. so unlike malaysian drama. urgh. (suddenly, i have this annoying flashback of nurkasih). well, wont waste my time dissin' about nurkasih again. been there done that. if  you happen to watch it too, then you'll know that the evil brother Damon, is looking more dashing and kinder too which earn a soft spot with me too, like the millions of viewers who beginning to vote for Team Damon on facebook. (yes people, im spending more time on my facebook, as oppossed to my stand b4). and the good brother, Stefan, is beginning to bore me. maybe Stefan should just kill himself.

Its one mroe season to the season finale.*sigh..* afterthat, no more vamp shows for me. i have to wait till next June for the new season of TrueBlood. cant wait to see Bill COmpton and Sookie again. And yes, comes next June too, Twilight Saga continue. Eclipse, the third installment of the series is released. now, i used to be so enarmoured with this Twilight thing, but the more i watch vampire diariees and trueblood, the more i realized, what an idiot both this Edward and Bella. haha. nah.. new moon was a disapointment for me. I hope eclipse will be better. hopefully.

not bad for a piece of crap.
haha.

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poets and craps

i used to be a poet.
yeepppp.
that was when i was feeling heartbroken.
or sad.
or have this ample emotion that i just have to share with you.

but.
when i un-poet myself.
i find myself to be..
writing craps.
yup.
poet turns crap.

haha.

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rise and shine

its been a while.
i know.
24 hours a day is almost insufficient.

i wanted to write, but the lack of ideas, urges and times have negatively impact my decision of never to bother again.

i dont even bother to read news.
i dont even know whats happening in the big bad world out there.
i am so totally clueless.
i go online everyday, but i only open my facebook to see the updates from family and friends.
and of course, i go online to download all those shows that i missed because i spent almost 16 hours a day working.

i am so focus on working.
day in and day out.
its so refreshing not having to think about anything at all.

and so, couple of days ago, i wanted to start writing again.
and so, i tried to find a one template that will be THE one.
and fudge.
its so hard to find THE one.
can i say that looking for THE one template that will satisfy you is the same like looking for THE ONE MR Right?

so yeah, maybe i'll continue later.

definitely maybe.
because..
maybe is a few steps up from no.
but..
its also a million steps down from definite.

haha.

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nightmare

since im a loner and always alone (but never lonely), i got no one else to share my perverted nightmare. so i just have to jot this one down. coz i cant bear having to replay the scene over and over in my head.

not so many nights ago, i got this really pervert dream. no, having a perverted nightmare doesnt make me a pervert. its just so happen that i am so 'geli' after i woke up.

not so long ago i came to know this one guy. lets call him Encik H. but try as i might, there are certain aspects of him that really gets on my nerve. ok, i shouldnt list down everything in details, cause there is a chance i might puke on my pillow, but seriously, when he is around, i feel 'geli'.

so back to my dream. all i remembered was, i was playing with some kids, location at my kampung. i was dressed in my usual torn jeans n t shirt, i was bare foot, muds all over my cloth, feet dirty with soil and my hair is totally messed up as i played with the kids. suddenly, there was this big car (model unknown), stopped and parked in front of us.

i looked up and saw Encil H came out of the car, wearing light brown suit, hair combed nicely, smiling. the part where i want to kill myself is that, in my dream, i thought he looked OK, where in real life, i might thought that accidentally spilled oil on his hair.

so he walked towards me, and suddenly, he was standing so close to me! as if we r going to kiss?? ewwwww.. i hate this part!! demm!! in my stupid perverted dream, Encik H picked few strands of my hair and tuck it behind my ears!! and he even try to brushed off some dirt on my shirt and dusted off some stupid leaves on my hair.

ewwwww gross!

why cant i dream about richard cypher or even darken rahl????

shit. i am so dem geli now.

but the second part where i want to kill myself now is the fact that, in that dream, i cant remember feeling angry when he did that!! ewwwww.. did i actually like that in my dream. dem!!

if u think thats romantic, please, spare me this. its only romantic if u fancy the guy. if its not, its gross.

huh. finally.

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