memory revisited #4

a fren told me, he likes the fact that im enjoying my life. he's probably amazed that i enjoy my life, be it when its easy, be it when its tough. because he's the few people in this world, that actually 'know' me. so i told him, it was nothing really. when u get to be me, u get thru a horrible moment with everything u got.

there were days, back at those moments, when i just couldnt wake up and face the day. there were nights, when i pray, ya Allah, just help me to sleep, its all i want..take everything. my job, my friends, my love.. everything.. take it.. but please.. just let me sleep.. give me nightmares, anything. but please ya Allah, let me sleep.. its all i asked from You..

when u come to a point when all you asked from God was just a sleep even with nightmares thrown in, you know you had hit the "jackpot of all miseries". when you had to cry to sleep, there would be not so much left to do besides hoping to stay alive, to just breath for another day.. even if it meant, living for nothing..

somehow, i get thru. but with it, come a price so high.. ur life become a secret. u shutdown part of ur life, to protect urself, and ppl close to you... u learn to live a lonely life. u learn to distance urself, u learn to love, from afar.. i am probably the loneliest person on planet earth, if not the whole universe.. ahaks.. so much the better.. :)

the good thing is, you learn to live again, to love and to trust. however, life is not that easy. there will always be a catch. just when u thought life gets better, it hits you right back where it hurts the most. sometimes, i just couldnt believe it at times. i keep asking why. why and why? ya Allah... but then i thought, all these times, i asked the wrong question.

what i should been asking is not why. but HOW. HOW do i get thru this again? i learnt that, when people throw shit at you, you just had to pick up a glove, wear it, pick the shit, and turn it into fertilizer. if they throw another shit, you just had to pick up the shit again, and turn it again into fertilizer. its hard.. its even harder when all the shits arent yours.. ahakz.. :)

but there u go.. u learn to be 'numb'. feel the pain, and watch it healed.. feel the love, and watch it slipped.. feel the memory, and learn to live with it..

a memory is a memory. not one person can take it away.. a gift of memorizing is still a gift, even when remembering is such a curse..

:)